HOW TO GIVE
YOUR CAT A PILL
1.
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve
pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
3. Retrieve
cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take
new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve
pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from
garden.
6. Kneel
on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve
cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap
cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check
label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve
cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat
in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch
screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and
fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call
fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize
to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last
pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie
the little #%#$!%#
front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume
remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange
for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see
if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO
GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL
1. Wrap
it in bacon.
2. Toss
it in the air.
It is not really
this hard but for those of you who have had to give a cat a pill, you will
appreciate the humor... Have a wonderful day and May God bless you special
today and always.. Thank you for visiting. Come back often to see
our newest arrivals as they are born and grow.
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